I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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