Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
