I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
