I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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