just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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