what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
