Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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