12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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