3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
