One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
