This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
