She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I touched a dick in church today
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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