Got a toothbrush?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
