true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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