Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
