I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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