life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
