theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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