I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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