I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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