I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
