So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
