Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Couch. On fire.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
