I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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