no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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