allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
