Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
