Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
