I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
