Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
