Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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