the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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