You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could teleport
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
