i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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