addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
