so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
