Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
