Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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