Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
