you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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