The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
