Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
