She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
