Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
