Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
