i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
