i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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