no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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