They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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