Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
