From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
