1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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